Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
No lies, just love.
It was in the march of the winter I turned 17
That I bought those pills I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong
Like the ground is not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck That's taken it's place
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired I mean eventually
And there's nothing left to do but sleep
But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.
I will be pure,
No, no,
I know
I will be pure.
Like snow- like gold-
Like snow- like gold--
That I bought those pills I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong
Like the ground is not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck That's taken it's place
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired I mean eventually
And there's nothing left to do but sleep
But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.
I will be pure,
No, no,
I know
I will be pure.
Like snow- like gold-
Like snow- like gold--
Why does everything have to be so hard?
Everyone keeps telling me things will get easier, and for a while I believed them. But not so much any more. Things just keep getting harder. I honestly feel worse than ever. But I get up, go to work, see friends, put on my happy face, cause I don't want any one to worry about me. But its getting harder to do.
I wake up every morning wishing that bottle of pills had done me in. At least then there would be no more pain, no more aching for him.
I can't stop thinking about him. The more I try, the less I succeed at it. Being with Paul has become a constant reminder of what a perfect fit Justin was for me. It's not that there is anything wrong with Paul, he is great, and he thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, but its not the same. Justin was my best friend, he knew everything about me. He knew all about my childhood, he knew what to get me at taco bell, my favorite soda, my fears, everything.
And its not just that, becuase those things someone else will learn about me in time. It's just the way were together, just when doing everyday stuff. Going to the grocery store and each of remembering to get the stuff the other likes. My playing video games and having him pass the hard parts for me. Me always asking him dumb questions and him giving me the answer. Us sitting around being mean and making fun of my coworkers/his coworkers/people in my classes/my family/his family/other drivers and so on. Our sense of humors worked so well together. Me breaking things and him fixing them. Him tolerating my crazy cat lady-ness, and even secretly liking it. How he pretended to hate the cats even though he was the cat whisperer. Us being perfectly comfortable sitting in silence with one another. Our weird eating habbits. Our love of video games, and mutual distaste for sports. Being weird, or more accurately, be being weird and him laughing at my silliness. Having something funny/weird/good/bad happening to either of us, and not not being able to wait to tell the other.
I don't know if it is because we were together for so long or what, but I just felt like he complimented me. I knew how to make him happy, I thought anyway, and he knew how to make me happy. I don't really know how to describe what it is. It is comfortable, it is familar, it is safe, it is knowing someone as well as you know yourself (or at least I thought I did).
I miss it. I miss Husband, and I miss being Wife. I loved being married to him, I was so proud to be his wife, always. He may of felt I was to good for him, but I felt like I was lucky to have him, even if I forgot to show it in the last six month of our marraige.
Everyday I fight the urge to find him and tell him all this. Even after all of the horrible things he did, deep down I would like nothing more than to be with him again. I would gladly take the wrath of my friends and family if we could be good again. Pathetic I know, I am pathetic, this blog is pathetic, my life is pathetic.
It will never happen though. He has found someone he feels he connects with better than me. I guess thats what hurts the most, I was easily replaced. It was so easy for him to slip into an intense relationship with her, and say horrible things about me.
Paul told me a story about an old couple he worked on. He said they were in there 60's and the man told him they were gearing up for a romantic weekend. He said he and his wife had had a rough 3 years and that he had treated her badly, but they had realized they loved each other and had decided to work on rekindling their relationship. All I can think is, I wasn't worth fighting for after 6 months of rough times and this couple had 3 years of shit and still thought their love was worth it.
I honestly don't know if I will be able to move on from this.
I just want to curl up under a rock and die....I am tired of dealing with everything.
I wake up every morning wishing that bottle of pills had done me in. At least then there would be no more pain, no more aching for him.
I can't stop thinking about him. The more I try, the less I succeed at it. Being with Paul has become a constant reminder of what a perfect fit Justin was for me. It's not that there is anything wrong with Paul, he is great, and he thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, but its not the same. Justin was my best friend, he knew everything about me. He knew all about my childhood, he knew what to get me at taco bell, my favorite soda, my fears, everything.
And its not just that, becuase those things someone else will learn about me in time. It's just the way were together, just when doing everyday stuff. Going to the grocery store and each of remembering to get the stuff the other likes. My playing video games and having him pass the hard parts for me. Me always asking him dumb questions and him giving me the answer. Us sitting around being mean and making fun of my coworkers/his coworkers/people in my classes/my family/his family/other drivers and so on. Our sense of humors worked so well together. Me breaking things and him fixing them. Him tolerating my crazy cat lady-ness, and even secretly liking it. How he pretended to hate the cats even though he was the cat whisperer. Us being perfectly comfortable sitting in silence with one another. Our weird eating habbits. Our love of video games, and mutual distaste for sports. Being weird, or more accurately, be being weird and him laughing at my silliness. Having something funny/weird/good/bad happening to either of us, and not not being able to wait to tell the other.
I don't know if it is because we were together for so long or what, but I just felt like he complimented me. I knew how to make him happy, I thought anyway, and he knew how to make me happy. I don't really know how to describe what it is. It is comfortable, it is familar, it is safe, it is knowing someone as well as you know yourself (or at least I thought I did).
I miss it. I miss Husband, and I miss being Wife. I loved being married to him, I was so proud to be his wife, always. He may of felt I was to good for him, but I felt like I was lucky to have him, even if I forgot to show it in the last six month of our marraige.
Everyday I fight the urge to find him and tell him all this. Even after all of the horrible things he did, deep down I would like nothing more than to be with him again. I would gladly take the wrath of my friends and family if we could be good again. Pathetic I know, I am pathetic, this blog is pathetic, my life is pathetic.
It will never happen though. He has found someone he feels he connects with better than me. I guess thats what hurts the most, I was easily replaced. It was so easy for him to slip into an intense relationship with her, and say horrible things about me.
Paul told me a story about an old couple he worked on. He said they were in there 60's and the man told him they were gearing up for a romantic weekend. He said he and his wife had had a rough 3 years and that he had treated her badly, but they had realized they loved each other and had decided to work on rekindling their relationship. All I can think is, I wasn't worth fighting for after 6 months of rough times and this couple had 3 years of shit and still thought their love was worth it.
I honestly don't know if I will be able to move on from this.
I just want to curl up under a rock and die....I am tired of dealing with everything.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
5 am
Here is 5 am and I can't sleep. Why? Cause I am thinking of him. I wish I could just let go like he did. Walk away and just be content and happy in my new relationship. But I can't. I am haunted by the memories, especially the small ones. I think I am fine, and then bam out of no where one hits me and sends me reeling for days.
Like when I am in a store and I remember how he used to help me hunt for my size, or when I am at the grocery store alone, or when I come across something he bought me.
10 years is a long time, there is a lot of memories that can jump out of no where. I wonder if it happens to him. If he ever has a memory of me that takes his breath away, or makes him watery eyed. I doubt it...and that makes me sad.
I am terrified that I will never be ok. That I am broken for good. Before all of this happened I believed in love, and forever, and trusted that the one I loved would never hurt me so deeply. I honestly don't know if I can do that with another person again. It's like love has lost its meaning, its been dulled for me. Sure I feel it, but not like I used to.
Paul assures me I am just wounded, and I will be ok some day, be able to love and trust like I used to, but honestly deep down I don't know that I will. Everyone tells me what a strong person I am, and yes this is true, but I am not sure that it matters for much of anything.
Like when I am in a store and I remember how he used to help me hunt for my size, or when I am at the grocery store alone, or when I come across something he bought me.
10 years is a long time, there is a lot of memories that can jump out of no where. I wonder if it happens to him. If he ever has a memory of me that takes his breath away, or makes him watery eyed. I doubt it...and that makes me sad.
I am terrified that I will never be ok. That I am broken for good. Before all of this happened I believed in love, and forever, and trusted that the one I loved would never hurt me so deeply. I honestly don't know if I can do that with another person again. It's like love has lost its meaning, its been dulled for me. Sure I feel it, but not like I used to.
Paul assures me I am just wounded, and I will be ok some day, be able to love and trust like I used to, but honestly deep down I don't know that I will. Everyone tells me what a strong person I am, and yes this is true, but I am not sure that it matters for much of anything.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
an article
Infidelity: 3 Key Points in the Emotional AffairPosted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
Ah, the word “love.” What a loaded word.
Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word “love” is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?
The wayward spouse often states, “I fell out of love. I no longer feel for you what I think I should feel. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you.”
The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much “loves” his/her spouse and wants him/her back.
There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being “in love” is paramount. This feeling means everything.
Typically the husband or wife describes “falling out of love” and is anxious about this development.
The “loving” or “romantic” feelings once passionately lived, for unknown reasons vanished or were transformed in the marriage.
S/he (please know that men also struggle with this issue!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. It is thought that those “in love/romantic feelings” comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one’s life.
The infidelity often is initiated when someone comes along who triggers the latent personal need to feel that “in love” feeling.S/he is insistent and tenacious in attaining and maintaining this ideal (or intensely “loving” relationship.
Before we strategize on how to intervene in the emotional affair, I have three points about this “love” phenomenon I want you to consider:
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches that “being in love” is how it’s supposed to be.
“Falling in love” is the norm - the implication being, that if “love” doesn’t happen, or if “love” goes away, something is wrong - with you, your spouse or the marriage.
The odds are stacked against any couple attempting to navigate a marriage when bombarded by movies, TV, novels, advertising and grocery check out magazines that point to the power (gosh, don’t you envy some of those hip couples?) of finding and losing “love.”
To create a lasting, intimate and wonderfully joyful marriage in our Western Culture we first must unlearn a great deal.
2. S/he desperately searching for “that loving feeling” (remember the Righteous Brothers)…typically is conflicted with a signficant dose of guilt.
Unlike some of the other 7 kinds of affairs I describe in “Break Free From the Affair,’ “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” is marked, for the most part, by the absence of anger.
He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is).
A little voice within (an s/he is typically aware of this quiet but persistent voice) whispers consistently that s/he is moving down a perilous path.
3. Someone with a personal need for that “loving feeling” often has a personal need for thrills and stimulation.
The aura around relationships casts a shadow of being a soap opera. The intrigue of 2 meeting secretly to the exclsion of another is the norm.
that feeling of being in “love” is tied closely to the personal need for excitement and plotting. The secret and clandestine nature of extramarital affairs lends itself nicely to seemingly meet these two powerful needs of feeling ‘in love’ and living an exciting life.
The razzle dazzle and drama of pursuing the “feeling in love” relationship takes center stage rather than a life lived with a certain knowledge of who one is.
If emotional infidelity of this form confronts you, please know you are in for the ride of your life. The power of your negative thoughts and feelings will will demand that you respond with fortitude and courage.
Ah, the word “love.” What a loaded word.
Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word “love” is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?
The wayward spouse often states, “I fell out of love. I no longer feel for you what I think I should feel. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you.”
The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much “loves” his/her spouse and wants him/her back.
There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being “in love” is paramount. This feeling means everything.
Typically the husband or wife describes “falling out of love” and is anxious about this development.
The “loving” or “romantic” feelings once passionately lived, for unknown reasons vanished or were transformed in the marriage.
S/he (please know that men also struggle with this issue!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. It is thought that those “in love/romantic feelings” comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one’s life.
The infidelity often is initiated when someone comes along who triggers the latent personal need to feel that “in love” feeling.S/he is insistent and tenacious in attaining and maintaining this ideal (or intensely “loving” relationship.
Before we strategize on how to intervene in the emotional affair, I have three points about this “love” phenomenon I want you to consider:
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches that “being in love” is how it’s supposed to be.
“Falling in love” is the norm - the implication being, that if “love” doesn’t happen, or if “love” goes away, something is wrong - with you, your spouse or the marriage.
The odds are stacked against any couple attempting to navigate a marriage when bombarded by movies, TV, novels, advertising and grocery check out magazines that point to the power (gosh, don’t you envy some of those hip couples?) of finding and losing “love.”
To create a lasting, intimate and wonderfully joyful marriage in our Western Culture we first must unlearn a great deal.
2. S/he desperately searching for “that loving feeling” (remember the Righteous Brothers)…typically is conflicted with a signficant dose of guilt.
Unlike some of the other 7 kinds of affairs I describe in “Break Free From the Affair,’ “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” is marked, for the most part, by the absence of anger.
He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is).
A little voice within (an s/he is typically aware of this quiet but persistent voice) whispers consistently that s/he is moving down a perilous path.
3. Someone with a personal need for that “loving feeling” often has a personal need for thrills and stimulation.
The aura around relationships casts a shadow of being a soap opera. The intrigue of 2 meeting secretly to the exclsion of another is the norm.
that feeling of being in “love” is tied closely to the personal need for excitement and plotting. The secret and clandestine nature of extramarital affairs lends itself nicely to seemingly meet these two powerful needs of feeling ‘in love’ and living an exciting life.
The razzle dazzle and drama of pursuing the “feeling in love” relationship takes center stage rather than a life lived with a certain knowledge of who one is.
If emotional infidelity of this form confronts you, please know you are in for the ride of your life. The power of your negative thoughts and feelings will will demand that you respond with fortitude and courage.
you know who you are.
“…then you come in at the 11th hour and provide a contrast to that that’s new and exciting and fun. It is no different than being a thief in the night. It is no different than breaking into their house and stealing their things.” — You are very likely extremely unfair competition in comparison to his wife. You couldn’t really know what all he may have done that has contributed to how she treats him (if he’s not being treated well). He likely has shown his family much neglect and is not being accountable to the consequences that has created. Regardless, if he is to divorce his wife it ought to be between him and her without outside forces that would encourage it to happen — outside forces that provide a safety net to fall into.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Big Hurt
God I just want this dull ache inside me to go away. I want to stop caring what your doing, if your really happy, if you miss me. I don't want to wonder if you have dreams about me or if you still think this was worth it. I don't want to be obsessed with you anymore, I don't want to care whether or not your new life works out for you.
And just when it starts to heal, I pick at the wound again.
I want to be whole again, I wish desperately I could give my all to Paul, but as much as I hate it, part of me is still with you and I don't know how to get it back.
I have this awful fear that I will forever be this damaged thing, never completely whole.
And just when it starts to heal, I pick at the wound again.
I want to be whole again, I wish desperately I could give my all to Paul, but as much as I hate it, part of me is still with you and I don't know how to get it back.
I have this awful fear that I will forever be this damaged thing, never completely whole.
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