5 am

Here is 5 am and I can't sleep. Why? Cause I am thinking of him. I wish I could just let go like he did. Walk away and just be content and happy in my new relationship. But I can't. I am haunted by the memories, especially the small ones. I think I am fine, and then bam out of no where one hits me and sends me reeling for days.


Like when I am in a store and I remember how he used to help me hunt for my size, or when I am at the grocery store alone, or when I come across something he bought me.

10 years is a long time, there is a lot of memories that can jump out of no where. I wonder if it happens to him. If he ever has a memory of me that takes his breath away, or makes him watery eyed. I doubt it...and that makes me sad.

I am terrified that I will never be ok. That I am broken for good. Before all of this happened I believed in love, and forever, and trusted that the one I loved would never hurt me so deeply. I honestly don't know if I can do that with another person again. It's like love has lost its meaning, its been dulled for me. Sure I feel it, but not like I used to.

Paul assures me I am just wounded, and I will be ok some day, be able to love and trust like I used to, but honestly deep down I don't know that I will. Everyone tells me what a strong person I am, and yes this is true, but I am not sure that it matters for much of anything.