Why does everything have to be so hard?

Everyone keeps telling me things will get easier, and for a while I believed them. But not so much any more. Things just keep getting harder. I honestly feel worse than ever. But I get up, go to work, see friends, put on my happy face, cause I don't want any one to worry about me. But its getting harder to do.

I wake up every morning wishing that bottle of pills had done me in. At least then there would be no more pain, no more aching for him.

I can't stop thinking about him. The more I try, the less I succeed at it. Being with Paul has become a constant reminder of what a perfect fit Justin was for me. It's not that there is anything wrong with Paul, he is great, and he thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, but its not the same. Justin was my best friend, he knew everything about me. He knew all about my childhood, he knew what to get me at taco bell, my favorite soda, my fears, everything.

And its not just that, becuase those things someone else will learn about me in time. It's just the way were together, just when doing everyday stuff. Going to the grocery store and each of remembering to get the stuff the other likes. My playing video games and having him pass the hard parts for me. Me always asking him dumb questions and him giving me the answer. Us sitting around being mean and making fun of my coworkers/his coworkers/people in my classes/my family/his family/other drivers and so on. Our sense of humors worked so well together. Me breaking things and him fixing them. Him tolerating my crazy cat lady-ness, and even secretly liking it. How he pretended to hate the cats even though he was the cat whisperer. Us being perfectly comfortable sitting in silence with one another. Our weird eating habbits. Our love of video games, and mutual distaste for sports. Being weird, or more accurately, be being weird and him laughing at my silliness. Having something funny/weird/good/bad happening to either of us, and not not being able to wait to tell the other.

I don't know if it is because we were together for so long or what, but I just felt like he complimented me. I knew how to make him happy, I thought anyway, and he knew how to make me happy. I don't really know how to describe what it is. It is comfortable, it is familar, it is safe, it is knowing someone as well as you know yourself (or at least I thought I did).

I miss it. I miss Husband, and I miss being Wife. I loved being married to him, I was so proud to be his wife, always. He may of felt I was to good for him, but I felt like I was lucky to have him, even if I forgot to show it in the last six month of our marraige.

Everyday I fight the urge to find him and tell him all this. Even after all of the horrible things he did, deep down I would like nothing more than to be with him again. I would gladly take the wrath of my friends and family if we could be good again. Pathetic I know, I am pathetic, this blog is pathetic, my life is pathetic.

It will never happen though. He has found someone he feels he connects with better than me. I guess thats what hurts the most, I was easily replaced. It was so easy for him to slip into an intense relationship with her, and say horrible things about me.

Paul told me a story about an old couple he worked on. He said they were in there 60's and the man told him they were gearing up for a romantic weekend. He said he and his wife had had a rough 3 years and that he had treated her badly, but they had realized they loved each other and had decided to work on rekindling their relationship. All I can think is, I wasn't worth fighting for after 6 months of rough times and this couple had 3 years of shit and still thought their love was worth it.

I honestly don't know if I will be able to move on from this.

I just want to curl up under a rock and die....I am tired of dealing with everything.